Hookers, Pot and Chocolate

The Dutch are far superior to the rest of us and I'm surprised they don't rule the world. If it was up to me, they would.

I know what you're thinking, that this one is from way out in left field, even for me. But stick with me for a minute while I explain. I think you'll see that I'm 100% correct.

Is it because they are so socially progressive?

No. While I think it's great that they are, that's not why they should rule the world.

Is it because they are generally so open-minded and accepting of other cultures, races, religions and points of view?

No. Again, it's great that they are and I wish we Americans were more accepting of others too, but that isn't reason enough to rule the world.

Is it because marijuana and prostitution are legal in the Netherlands?

First of all, I have to stress that I don't smoke pot or participate in prostitution (I do, after all work for the government), nor do I necessarily condone either one. I do think, however, that marijuana is no more dangerous than alcohol or cigarettes. As for the oldest profession, it is always going to be here, we might as well acknowledge it. So I think both marijuana and prostitution should be legal, regulated, monitored and taxed. This would protect all involved: customers, providers and workers and, as a bonus, the government could get their cut of this previously untapped (pun intended) revenue stream.

But I digress, that isn't it either.

Is it because about 99% of the Dutch population are tall, well-educated and gorgeous (and the other 1% apparently aren't allowed to get a passport)?

While that's a great reason, it's not the one I'm talking about.

It's very simple. The Dutch eat chocolate paste on their toast in the morning. Okay, well, maybe not ALL of them do, but they could and that's what matters.

How is it that I've gone this many years without this? Without even an inkling of its existence? I'm convinced that somewhere in the deepest, darkest bowels of the offices of the Republican National Committee is a group of grumpy smelly old chocolate-hating right wingers staffed by a bunch of government day weenies who don't want us to actually enjoy our breakfasts. It's a plot, I tell you, a plot!

What about Nutella, you may ask? You mean that mysteriously overpriced grayish paste in the supermarket on the bottom shelf with an inch of dust on top of the jar? That's just a decoy…no one actually eats that stuff (hence the dust). The Republicans let that one slip through the cracks because it's expensive, it's made of hazelnuts and, alas, it just doesn't taste that good. They knew that if we ever did get brave enough to spend half a paycheck to try it, it would turn us off from buying breakfast paste again. But they figure if we'd get to eat chocolate for breakfast every day, we might look forward to getting up early, we might be late for work, we might start actually enjoying mornings. It could somehow negatively affect our GDP.

Get thee behind me, peanut butter! Begone thy demon concord grape jelly!

Bring me chocolate paste for breakfast and the Dutch can rule the world!